Technically, I'm only 24 years young but in that amount of time there are many things I've come to learn.
Last Friday I went on a job interview and the HR manager asked me a simple question: What is success to you?
Do I really want to divulge to him what I consider a success? For one, I think the fact Im sitting in front of him dressed up and acting professional when I spent the entire night awake coughing and finally fell asleep about an hour before I was supposed to get up- I would say that is a success. Or how about how I walked home from the grocery store the other day carrying a gallon of milk and juice among other things a success I struggled to walk down my buildings hallway (because of course we live in the corner apt)
To answer his question "correctly" I went with success depends on the person, for someone who has a learning disability it could be as simple as graduating college for someone else it could be becoming the CEO of a company or for someone like me its knowing I made a difference in someones life. It may be cheesy and not the answer he was looking for, but for me its the truth.
In the CF world I still have relatively healthy lungs but as they are getting worse I give those with less lung function so much more credit. If I struggle to walk a flight of stairs, get exhausted after showering sometimes, I don't know how they do it. I feel bad too because I feel like I have 20% more lung function then some, and yet I complain about it. I am sure they would love to gain that percentage back. It is really hard to judge someones perspective.
Within the past 3-4 months I have noticed a significant difference/change in my lungs, and unfortunately my PFT's have matched. As they slowly decline, there are little things I took for granted before that I wish I could have back. Not only is getting sleep very difficult but almost impossible when you feel yourself almost drowning in your mucus. Waking up hour after hour, constantly coughing is not the ideal way to sleep. Sometimes its the cough that wakes me up, others its the "choking" on mucus that gags me. I thought oxygen would help, and it does a little but I don't think I'll ever sleep like I used to. What is worse is that it not only effects me. I know I woke my parents up, I am afraid to ask my roommates.
The pain has gotten worse too. It used to be only when I had a "flair up" but now its almost always constant. It's even worse when the doctors don't believe you or think your just drug seeking. Granted, I messed that up- I screwed up, I know it but when you wake up in the middle of the night feeling like your lung is being stabbed and it hurts to breathe in or out so you take shallow breaths, I promise you this- I'm not drug seeking, I'm in pain.
At 25, I thought I'd have more to show for it. I'm happy where I am in life and everything that happened to get me here but a part of me wishes I did more. I am very happy about moving out and getting my own place in the city. I love the city!! I couldn't dream of any place I'd rather be. Being young and doing the "singles" thing of going out on the weekends, and dressing up at Halloween parties and taking the el to and from work and walking to the lake is just perfect. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
So another 2 days of antibiotics and then freedom!
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