It seems like Thanksgiving was months ago, not weeks. Maybe time is going by slower for me because being unemployed is starting to get to me.
Granted everyone hates "the Mondays" but when you don't get to experience them anymore its almost worse. Yes, even when I was working "the Mondays" would hit me occasionally but most of the time, if I wasn't sick, I enjoyed waking up, getting dressed for work and heading out the door. I think back to working last year and even in the dead of winter (which was brutal last year) I loved that feeling of going to work. Call me crazy, but maybe I knew working would only last so long. Also, growing up my dad always said, "Do something you enjoy and then you will feel like you never worked a day in your life." Most people know those who are involved in working at a non-profit, work for the love of it, not for the paycheck. For me it was certainly that. Although there were some days were I said I don't want to do this the rest of my life (prospect research), I'd rather be involved with talking to donors more- it was all a stepping stone. I tried for 9 months to "be normal" and work. I could only handle part-time, and even then it was too much sometimes. CF got the best of me 4 or 5 times during those 9 months and unfortunately put me out of work for upwards of a month one time. Most of the time, a week or two. I was very lucky to work for such an incredible company, and bosses who understood CF and allowed me the time I needed for a proper recovery. Obviously in the end it didn't work out, or I'd like to think I would still be there, but I was very fortunate for the experience. While I was working, I liked to do my best. Of course there were times I wasn't feeling good and just went through my work until it was over and I could go home and snuggle in bed, but the days I felt good, I tried. I loved dressing up- wearing dresses/skirts, heels, jewelry, make-up the whole nine yards.
Ideally, I would like to find another part-time job but I know it is probably best that I focus on my health. Doing the Vest, and nebulizers 2-3 times a day adds up. I know if I worked I would cut them out and essentially let my health go. Sleep is hard to come by as well, causing me to either nap at weird times during the day or not at all. I will sleep for a few hours at night if I'm lucky, but ultimately wake up coughing or gasping for air. The blood continues as well, although its been manageable not more then a few ounces or tablespoons. Although it usually comes with pain. Sometimes are better then others. There have been nights where I lie in bed where every breath in or out hurts. I try not to move and just hope I will be able to fall asleep and forget about the pain but sometimes the sharpness is too much. There is nothing to do about that other then just hope it goes away. If I feel up for it, I drag my tired body out of bed and into the living room to do another round of the Vest. The pressure of it, squeezing your ribs, is almost soothing. It also helps if I am having a coughing fit. I don't think the Vest itself does much, but sitting up and not laying helps.
Without sleep my body quickly drains and I have pushed it to the limit many times. I tried a full time job, well really it was part-time but I worked 43 hours that week and then around 38 the following. Of course, by the third week I was in the hospital. I was asked to help out and work more hours and of course I said yes. It was a good experience for me because I had convinced myself I would be able to handle full-time. 43 hours is typical for a full-time job, and for me I was exhausted. I was so happy to see what it was like and "complain" to friends about how I was on my 3rd cup of coffee because I was tired but it wasn't even that kinda tired, my body was literally aching. I loved taking the el though and being surrounded with people my age going downtown for work. I loved that feeling of coming home at the end of the day and feeling accomplished.
People would love to be able to stay home and not work but its nothing to brag about. I feel like a debt to society. Luckily, I still look young so people assume I am in school still as I walk around Jewel mid-day grocery shopping, or read a book at Barnes and Noble. I think I would feel more self-conscious if I looked older and did nothing with my day. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do. I worry that because I don't have a job, or am in school I just fail society. Growing up when anyone asked what I wanted to be, I fiercely proclaimed a lawyer or judge. I never pictured unemployed in that dream. I still dream of being a lawyer or judge, but its more of a wish then reality. Yes, I graduated college with honors but it took 5 years, 2 schools, and countless hospital stays. Most of my courses, toward the end, were primary lecture but assessments were on papers related to the topics. I was able to do the readings on my own and able to catch up when it was more convenient for me. I know law school is also primary lecture, however your assessments are what was given in class. I am sure reading the material on your own would help but it would be really hard to pass while not actually attending class.
Which brings me back to transplant talk. Obviously it has been on my mind all month long. I've thought more about it, and researched more. I am slowly, and I mean slowly opening up to the idea of it. The complications and risks still exist and worry me but the gift it gives is worth it- life. It is still not known if I make a good candidate for transplant and if a center will list me but it is a conversation I am willing to have.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Transplant Talk
We celebrated my birthday in the hospital last Thursday. We had pizza and angel food cake with strawberries. It was a nice birthday.
And throughout the week my friends have been coming to visit me. It is really nice to have them come by and just catch up on things/ gossip about who is cute in the hospital. Like tell them how the night before, I had the cutest respiratory therapist only for him to show up half hour later and as I thought he left the room I blurted out "see isn't he cute" and turn around and notice him fumbling with closing the door- meaning he most likely heard me!!
Chicago is a city of almost 3 million people. But it really is a small world. The first few days in here I posted on Facebook, Hotel Northwestern for the week. One of my friends from Loyola, who I haven't seen in a few years messaged me she was working that night and would stop by with Starbucks. I didn't know she was working here, but it was great to see her and catch up.
The next day I was have physical therapy and we were walking the halls and I ran into one of my parents friends. She belongs to IC as well, but her sons were a little bit older then Jack and I. She was here visiting her mother who fell and broke her hip.
A couple days later I was walking in my hallway with Dad, and I did a double-take at one of the nurses. After a minute I realized I went to Loyola with her. She was a year younger then me, but we had a class together jr year.
It is just funny how small this world is and how fun it is running into old friends and catching up with them.
For my birthday Kelly Jackson gave me a book called "The Tao of Pooh". It is a philosophy book as told by the perspective of Winnie the Pooh. In case you didn't know, I am obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. This book is just interesting to learn more about Chinese philosophy and how they think but "dumbed" down to make it easy to understand. Plus, they talk as if they are talking to Pooh and he responds in the same way he does on tv/movies- in which it just makes me laugh.
One of the quotes I pulled out of the book is the perfect outlook on life that I need now. "A thousand mile journey starts with one step".
My parents and I had a meeting with both Dr. Michelle Prickett and Dr. Manu Jain (pulmonary) and their nurse coordinator Joanne and social worker Lori. We discussed my health and where it is headed. Currently, I have a cavity in my left lung that is getting bigger and causing pain as well as being the possible source of my bleeding. I bleed often and that is contributing to my infections as well lung damage. At this rate, the doctors believe my health will continue to decline. Right now, at 42% lung function, I am still reacting positively to antibiotics but they are saying it will get to the point where antibiotics won't work anymore. As of now there are only a few that my cultures and "bugs" inside my lungs respond to. They have exhausted others that used to work. Before we get to the point where nothing works anymore they want me to be prepared. This includes the conversation of transplant.
Transplant isn't an automatic solution. Essentially you are trading one disease for another. After transplant you run the risk of rejection and eventually organ failure from that. In order to prevent that, you take anti-rejection medicine that compromises your immune system. This makes it very risky to be in public or crowded areas as they are "germ pits". Also, the other complications of CF won't go away with transplant. I will still have liver disease, diabetes, low white blood cells and platelets and seizure disorder.
The benefits of transplant are obvious though. I will be able to breathe! I won't be coughing blood. I won't need oxygen(thankfully it is only at night at this point). It will also extend my life. There are people with transplant going on ten years and maybe even more! I will be able to work full time. There are so many things that it can do.
It should be obvious what choice I make. As this "fork in the road" is presented to me, transplant or comfort care, I wish it was easier to choose. Maybe it will come a little later when I learn more about both options.
As for now, we are holding off on everything and just focusing on getting me better from this infection. I have been on IV's over a week now and starting to feel better. I am still coughing blood, but it isn't as much anymore. I also went 3 days without any blood! We will revisit this topic together as a team in 4-6 weeks. At that point, I assume if I decide transplant we will begin the process for evaluation. Evaluation is like a week long of tests, literally every test in the world that has to do with any of your organs and general health, is conducted. They will determine if you are a good candidate for the surgery or not. Alot will also fall on my team of doctors now, as they also have input as to how they think the surgery will affect me. A concern, and possible disqualification for transplant for me is my liver disease. As that progresses, there is nothing they can do for it. So the question falls on the liver team whether they think I will be able to handle the surgery from a medical standpoint, including all the drugs they will give me.
Mentally, I am handling this conversation of transplant much better then the last (initial reality). I will be seeing a therapist to talk things through and see if she can help me make the right decision. As the CF team says they support my decision, and what I think is best for me.
I guess more to come in the following weeks.
And throughout the week my friends have been coming to visit me. It is really nice to have them come by and just catch up on things/ gossip about who is cute in the hospital. Like tell them how the night before, I had the cutest respiratory therapist only for him to show up half hour later and as I thought he left the room I blurted out "see isn't he cute" and turn around and notice him fumbling with closing the door- meaning he most likely heard me!!
Chicago is a city of almost 3 million people. But it really is a small world. The first few days in here I posted on Facebook, Hotel Northwestern for the week. One of my friends from Loyola, who I haven't seen in a few years messaged me she was working that night and would stop by with Starbucks. I didn't know she was working here, but it was great to see her and catch up.
The next day I was have physical therapy and we were walking the halls and I ran into one of my parents friends. She belongs to IC as well, but her sons were a little bit older then Jack and I. She was here visiting her mother who fell and broke her hip.
A couple days later I was walking in my hallway with Dad, and I did a double-take at one of the nurses. After a minute I realized I went to Loyola with her. She was a year younger then me, but we had a class together jr year.
It is just funny how small this world is and how fun it is running into old friends and catching up with them.
For my birthday Kelly Jackson gave me a book called "The Tao of Pooh". It is a philosophy book as told by the perspective of Winnie the Pooh. In case you didn't know, I am obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. This book is just interesting to learn more about Chinese philosophy and how they think but "dumbed" down to make it easy to understand. Plus, they talk as if they are talking to Pooh and he responds in the same way he does on tv/movies- in which it just makes me laugh.
One of the quotes I pulled out of the book is the perfect outlook on life that I need now. "A thousand mile journey starts with one step".
My parents and I had a meeting with both Dr. Michelle Prickett and Dr. Manu Jain (pulmonary) and their nurse coordinator Joanne and social worker Lori. We discussed my health and where it is headed. Currently, I have a cavity in my left lung that is getting bigger and causing pain as well as being the possible source of my bleeding. I bleed often and that is contributing to my infections as well lung damage. At this rate, the doctors believe my health will continue to decline. Right now, at 42% lung function, I am still reacting positively to antibiotics but they are saying it will get to the point where antibiotics won't work anymore. As of now there are only a few that my cultures and "bugs" inside my lungs respond to. They have exhausted others that used to work. Before we get to the point where nothing works anymore they want me to be prepared. This includes the conversation of transplant.
Transplant isn't an automatic solution. Essentially you are trading one disease for another. After transplant you run the risk of rejection and eventually organ failure from that. In order to prevent that, you take anti-rejection medicine that compromises your immune system. This makes it very risky to be in public or crowded areas as they are "germ pits". Also, the other complications of CF won't go away with transplant. I will still have liver disease, diabetes, low white blood cells and platelets and seizure disorder.
The benefits of transplant are obvious though. I will be able to breathe! I won't be coughing blood. I won't need oxygen(thankfully it is only at night at this point). It will also extend my life. There are people with transplant going on ten years and maybe even more! I will be able to work full time. There are so many things that it can do.
It should be obvious what choice I make. As this "fork in the road" is presented to me, transplant or comfort care, I wish it was easier to choose. Maybe it will come a little later when I learn more about both options.
As for now, we are holding off on everything and just focusing on getting me better from this infection. I have been on IV's over a week now and starting to feel better. I am still coughing blood, but it isn't as much anymore. I also went 3 days without any blood! We will revisit this topic together as a team in 4-6 weeks. At that point, I assume if I decide transplant we will begin the process for evaluation. Evaluation is like a week long of tests, literally every test in the world that has to do with any of your organs and general health, is conducted. They will determine if you are a good candidate for the surgery or not. Alot will also fall on my team of doctors now, as they also have input as to how they think the surgery will affect me. A concern, and possible disqualification for transplant for me is my liver disease. As that progresses, there is nothing they can do for it. So the question falls on the liver team whether they think I will be able to handle the surgery from a medical standpoint, including all the drugs they will give me.
Mentally, I am handling this conversation of transplant much better then the last (initial reality). I will be seeing a therapist to talk things through and see if she can help me make the right decision. As the CF team says they support my decision, and what I think is best for me.
I guess more to come in the following weeks.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Hotel Northwestern
Hotel Northwestern:
Well, it was only a matter of time before I ended up back in the hospital. I only wish I would have lasted a little longer until after my birthday.
Lets back it up: First, I didn't feel too good on Halloween but its Halloween- so how am I not going to go out? Also, Winnie the Pooh is one of the better costumes I've put together so it had to be seen.
Winnie the Pooh and Zoombie Piglet.
I decided to go out on Halloween, but CF caught up with me at the end of the night. I was coughing up blood then and really short of breathe. Saturday and Sunday, I took it easy. Monday, CF was back at it and taking over my life. I don't think I have slept for more then 2 hours at a time, without waking up coughing or hacking up a lung. Monday night/Tuesday morning it got worse and has severe lung pain with it then I decided it was time to go in. So at 2:30 AM I hop in a cab to the ER. Love city living!!
Thank god for my CF team. Nurse Joanne has been the glue holding this program together and she and Dr. Michelle Prickett welcomed me back with open arms. I am so grateful to them. There are alot of questions as to what is going on with my health, and why I am coughing so much blood all the time. We are going to do many tests to rule out other conditions as well as see if they will shed light on what is happening. In the mean time, they believe it is in my best interest to meet a transplant team and begin to start feeling comfortable with them and slowly progress into evaluation. Again, this is a hard pill to swallow but it is sitting with me better then last time I heard this news.
This blog has yet to have real direction- I almost use it as a diary to keep track of my thoughts and what happens in life. The other thought behind it, is its an easy way to keep family and friends updated. As of now, there isn't much that needs updating but I know my aunts and uncles always love knowing what I am up to.
Well until next time, hopefully I will have some more answers about what is going on in my body and why I have been getting so sick.
In the mean time, I am going to enjoy my 25th birthday in the hospital and will make the best of it. I have the corner room, which is bigger, so karma was good to me and maybe I'll host the best hospital birthday bash yet. If not, I have a wonderful view of the lake and watching the sunrise over it is absolutely beautiful.
Well, it was only a matter of time before I ended up back in the hospital. I only wish I would have lasted a little longer until after my birthday.
Lets back it up: First, I didn't feel too good on Halloween but its Halloween- so how am I not going to go out? Also, Winnie the Pooh is one of the better costumes I've put together so it had to be seen.
I decided to go out on Halloween, but CF caught up with me at the end of the night. I was coughing up blood then and really short of breathe. Saturday and Sunday, I took it easy. Monday, CF was back at it and taking over my life. I don't think I have slept for more then 2 hours at a time, without waking up coughing or hacking up a lung. Monday night/Tuesday morning it got worse and has severe lung pain with it then I decided it was time to go in. So at 2:30 AM I hop in a cab to the ER. Love city living!!
Thank god for my CF team. Nurse Joanne has been the glue holding this program together and she and Dr. Michelle Prickett welcomed me back with open arms. I am so grateful to them. There are alot of questions as to what is going on with my health, and why I am coughing so much blood all the time. We are going to do many tests to rule out other conditions as well as see if they will shed light on what is happening. In the mean time, they believe it is in my best interest to meet a transplant team and begin to start feeling comfortable with them and slowly progress into evaluation. Again, this is a hard pill to swallow but it is sitting with me better then last time I heard this news.
This blog has yet to have real direction- I almost use it as a diary to keep track of my thoughts and what happens in life. The other thought behind it, is its an easy way to keep family and friends updated. As of now, there isn't much that needs updating but I know my aunts and uncles always love knowing what I am up to.
Well until next time, hopefully I will have some more answers about what is going on in my body and why I have been getting so sick.
In the mean time, I am going to enjoy my 25th birthday in the hospital and will make the best of it. I have the corner room, which is bigger, so karma was good to me and maybe I'll host the best hospital birthday bash yet. If not, I have a wonderful view of the lake and watching the sunrise over it is absolutely beautiful.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Happy Halloween
While it is Halloween today, it feels like it should be Christmas. It is doing that weird Chicago thing, you know snow/rain coming down sideways and ice pellets hitting you in the face as you walk down the street. How lovely?
Last night I finished my last IV and then deaccessed myself. Taking out the needle in my chest from the port-a-cath was the greatest feeling. The port is the best thing I have decided to get because it makes having to do IV's so much easier but having a needle in your chest for 2 weeks at a time can get irritating. The tagaderm, or special tape to cover the needle and keep it clean gets itchy too. Anyway, I am needle free!!! (Until next time)
The IV's helped a little but not as much as they used to. I was still coughing blood last night and had chest pain. Something I guess I just have to get used to. Most people keep a bottle of water at their bedside at night, I have a bottle of water and an empty bottle that I cough my blood into. Hah really attractive right?
As I am starting to come around to the idea of a transplant I can't quite grasp it. I cry. For one thing, the emotional rollarcoaster of being on the transplant list is daunting to me. Then the actual transplant scares the bejesus out of me. The thought of my family watching me lifeless on a bed as a vent breathes for me makes me cry even more. I watched my dad on a vent after his second open heart surgery and it looked so fake. He looked like a dummy lying there, and every 30 seconds or so the vent would breathe for him and his chest would rise then go back down. I couldn't handle watching that and I don't want my family to see me like that. You are so lifeless and helpless at that point, hooked up to so many machines, IVs, tubes and who knows what else. Also, selfishly I am so afraid of waking up on the vent and gaging on the tube. I am also so scared to have chest tubes. They are HUGE! Then there is the surgery itself, there are so many things that can go wrong. It is so overwhelming. I know it should be a simple answer, do you want a transplant to extend your life and live longer? But there is so much that worries me, that the answer is not as clear cut as it should be.
If I make it through and everything is successful then the following years there will be fear of rejection. If my body rejects the new lungs, again I will be faced with the decision to go on the list again and have another transplant to save my life or just accept the fact that this is it.
Switching gears here: In honor of Halloween, I am dressing up as my favorite- Winnie the Pooh!! I am so excited!!
I have yet to try on my costume but I am positive it will be amazing.
The little things like dressing up for Halloween and meeting friends for dinner make me appreciate being out of the hospital and my health as it is. I am fortunate enough to be able to still do these things.
Happy Halloween!! Looking forward to lots of candy and dressing up!
Last night I finished my last IV and then deaccessed myself. Taking out the needle in my chest from the port-a-cath was the greatest feeling. The port is the best thing I have decided to get because it makes having to do IV's so much easier but having a needle in your chest for 2 weeks at a time can get irritating. The tagaderm, or special tape to cover the needle and keep it clean gets itchy too. Anyway, I am needle free!!! (Until next time)
The IV's helped a little but not as much as they used to. I was still coughing blood last night and had chest pain. Something I guess I just have to get used to. Most people keep a bottle of water at their bedside at night, I have a bottle of water and an empty bottle that I cough my blood into. Hah really attractive right?
As I am starting to come around to the idea of a transplant I can't quite grasp it. I cry. For one thing, the emotional rollarcoaster of being on the transplant list is daunting to me. Then the actual transplant scares the bejesus out of me. The thought of my family watching me lifeless on a bed as a vent breathes for me makes me cry even more. I watched my dad on a vent after his second open heart surgery and it looked so fake. He looked like a dummy lying there, and every 30 seconds or so the vent would breathe for him and his chest would rise then go back down. I couldn't handle watching that and I don't want my family to see me like that. You are so lifeless and helpless at that point, hooked up to so many machines, IVs, tubes and who knows what else. Also, selfishly I am so afraid of waking up on the vent and gaging on the tube. I am also so scared to have chest tubes. They are HUGE! Then there is the surgery itself, there are so many things that can go wrong. It is so overwhelming. I know it should be a simple answer, do you want a transplant to extend your life and live longer? But there is so much that worries me, that the answer is not as clear cut as it should be.
If I make it through and everything is successful then the following years there will be fear of rejection. If my body rejects the new lungs, again I will be faced with the decision to go on the list again and have another transplant to save my life or just accept the fact that this is it.
Switching gears here: In honor of Halloween, I am dressing up as my favorite- Winnie the Pooh!! I am so excited!!
I have yet to try on my costume but I am positive it will be amazing.
The little things like dressing up for Halloween and meeting friends for dinner make me appreciate being out of the hospital and my health as it is. I am fortunate enough to be able to still do these things.
Happy Halloween!! Looking forward to lots of candy and dressing up!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Technically a week and 2 days away from being 25 years young
Technically, I'm only 24 years young but in that amount of time there are many things I've come to learn.
Last Friday I went on a job interview and the HR manager asked me a simple question: What is success to you?
Do I really want to divulge to him what I consider a success? For one, I think the fact Im sitting in front of him dressed up and acting professional when I spent the entire night awake coughing and finally fell asleep about an hour before I was supposed to get up- I would say that is a success. Or how about how I walked home from the grocery store the other day carrying a gallon of milk and juice among other things a success I struggled to walk down my buildings hallway (because of course we live in the corner apt)
To answer his question "correctly" I went with success depends on the person, for someone who has a learning disability it could be as simple as graduating college for someone else it could be becoming the CEO of a company or for someone like me its knowing I made a difference in someones life. It may be cheesy and not the answer he was looking for, but for me its the truth.
In the CF world I still have relatively healthy lungs but as they are getting worse I give those with less lung function so much more credit. If I struggle to walk a flight of stairs, get exhausted after showering sometimes, I don't know how they do it. I feel bad too because I feel like I have 20% more lung function then some, and yet I complain about it. I am sure they would love to gain that percentage back. It is really hard to judge someones perspective.
Within the past 3-4 months I have noticed a significant difference/change in my lungs, and unfortunately my PFT's have matched. As they slowly decline, there are little things I took for granted before that I wish I could have back. Not only is getting sleep very difficult but almost impossible when you feel yourself almost drowning in your mucus. Waking up hour after hour, constantly coughing is not the ideal way to sleep. Sometimes its the cough that wakes me up, others its the "choking" on mucus that gags me. I thought oxygen would help, and it does a little but I don't think I'll ever sleep like I used to. What is worse is that it not only effects me. I know I woke my parents up, I am afraid to ask my roommates.
The pain has gotten worse too. It used to be only when I had a "flair up" but now its almost always constant. It's even worse when the doctors don't believe you or think your just drug seeking. Granted, I messed that up- I screwed up, I know it but when you wake up in the middle of the night feeling like your lung is being stabbed and it hurts to breathe in or out so you take shallow breaths, I promise you this- I'm not drug seeking, I'm in pain.
At 25, I thought I'd have more to show for it. I'm happy where I am in life and everything that happened to get me here but a part of me wishes I did more. I am very happy about moving out and getting my own place in the city. I love the city!! I couldn't dream of any place I'd rather be. Being young and doing the "singles" thing of going out on the weekends, and dressing up at Halloween parties and taking the el to and from work and walking to the lake is just perfect. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
So another 2 days of antibiotics and then freedom!
Last Friday I went on a job interview and the HR manager asked me a simple question: What is success to you?
Do I really want to divulge to him what I consider a success? For one, I think the fact Im sitting in front of him dressed up and acting professional when I spent the entire night awake coughing and finally fell asleep about an hour before I was supposed to get up- I would say that is a success. Or how about how I walked home from the grocery store the other day carrying a gallon of milk and juice among other things a success I struggled to walk down my buildings hallway (because of course we live in the corner apt)
To answer his question "correctly" I went with success depends on the person, for someone who has a learning disability it could be as simple as graduating college for someone else it could be becoming the CEO of a company or for someone like me its knowing I made a difference in someones life. It may be cheesy and not the answer he was looking for, but for me its the truth.
In the CF world I still have relatively healthy lungs but as they are getting worse I give those with less lung function so much more credit. If I struggle to walk a flight of stairs, get exhausted after showering sometimes, I don't know how they do it. I feel bad too because I feel like I have 20% more lung function then some, and yet I complain about it. I am sure they would love to gain that percentage back. It is really hard to judge someones perspective.
Within the past 3-4 months I have noticed a significant difference/change in my lungs, and unfortunately my PFT's have matched. As they slowly decline, there are little things I took for granted before that I wish I could have back. Not only is getting sleep very difficult but almost impossible when you feel yourself almost drowning in your mucus. Waking up hour after hour, constantly coughing is not the ideal way to sleep. Sometimes its the cough that wakes me up, others its the "choking" on mucus that gags me. I thought oxygen would help, and it does a little but I don't think I'll ever sleep like I used to. What is worse is that it not only effects me. I know I woke my parents up, I am afraid to ask my roommates.
The pain has gotten worse too. It used to be only when I had a "flair up" but now its almost always constant. It's even worse when the doctors don't believe you or think your just drug seeking. Granted, I messed that up- I screwed up, I know it but when you wake up in the middle of the night feeling like your lung is being stabbed and it hurts to breathe in or out so you take shallow breaths, I promise you this- I'm not drug seeking, I'm in pain.
At 25, I thought I'd have more to show for it. I'm happy where I am in life and everything that happened to get me here but a part of me wishes I did more. I am very happy about moving out and getting my own place in the city. I love the city!! I couldn't dream of any place I'd rather be. Being young and doing the "singles" thing of going out on the weekends, and dressing up at Halloween parties and taking the el to and from work and walking to the lake is just perfect. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
So another 2 days of antibiotics and then freedom!
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